3 Ways to Waste Time More Efficiently

It is impossible to answer the question: “How should I spend my time?” without also answering the question: “what in life is valuable?” After all, what we do with our limited time on this Earth determines who we are and what we think life is all about. So,that being said, should we not put ourselves to the fullest possible use? Should we not pt away childish things and focus on helping those around us while we still have power to do so?

Nope, all that sounds like work, so lets piss the time away with these distractions. Each provides a means by which you can waste time and not feel about doing so. Remember: it’s not truly selfish unless your crapulence feels like virtue. Thanks Ayn Rand.

If You Just Want to Play Video Games…

Games can be hard to rationalize. you spend money on them, especially the “free” ones, and what do they get you? A big fat nothing, that’s what. (Unless you count hours of stress free joy as something, you libertine.)

No need to change your wicked ways. Instead of listening to music that used to be cool and feeling old, why not listen to an audiobook instead? That’s right, instead of wasting the best years of your youth on antisocial, body destroying trivialities you are now reading a book a day like some kind of wunderkind!

Try saying this out loud: “I play four hours of emulated playstation games a day.” “I read a book a day, classic mostly. Everyone should do it. It’s life changing.” Sounds great doesn’t it? And the pride you’ll take from saying it is worth the beatings!

Of course, this tip would be worthless if you had to work for money to buy the books, so keep it free at Librivox. It’s a treasure trove of public domain books read by volunteers.

If You Just Wanna Watch TV…

The great thing about TV is that it just sits there, not demanding anything from us, allowing us to return to childlike state where less is expected from us. If also has violence and nudity. Also, it leaves our hands free to do the devils business, and that’s not a reference to the nudity. What I mean is you can get a lot done while you’re waiting for your favorite Game of Thrones character to die.

You can clean, you can exercise, you can play video games on your phone or tablet. What’s important is that you miss crucial plot information and not really enjoy the show. Remember, you can always loudly ask the people around you what just happened, and by answering, they will miss something too, and the cycle will continue.

Even if it’s something as simple as turning a self-cleaning oven on, folding some laundry, or answering some emails, TV present ample opportunities to sporadic, yet still lazy, activity.  Especially since it has commercial breaks.

Wait, you don’t watch commercials do you?

Well, stop.

It’s time to start holding advertisers and the law in contempt by torrenting all your stuff. Popcorn Time lets you watch all your TV and Films, including films still in theaters, without commercials (or paying). It has a slick Netflicks like interface and uses torrent technology. Feeling guilty not watching the ads? Just watch a recent episode of The Simpsons and tell me you owe them something.

If you Just Wanna Browse the Internet…

We all have our favorite rationalizations about browsing the interweb tubes: “I browse Facebook so I can keep in touch with friends” or “I browse Reddit so I keep up news that matters to me” or “I browse 4chan because I am a  pitiless sociopath twisted by my rage and loneliness.”

But what if we didn’t need these rationalizations? What if we could fool ourselves into thinking the time we spend online, far from loved ones and regardless of our ever growing responsibilities, was time well spent?

The answer? Classy shit!

Perhaps the best place for classy shit on the net is Openculture. It features hundreds of free classic films, courses, books, and language lessons.

Or, if you’re too lazy to read (and I hope you are) there’s the Youtube channel British Pathe. It has over 80,000 news reels from the last hundred years and a weekly showcase for the rare stuff.

Now, I know what youre thinking. “Greg, what’s the deal with the erudite garbage. We want to relax. We want fluff. We want pop-culture garbage. But if it looks classy, that will be fine.”

I hear you and I understand. Which is why I recommend AVclub, the media wing of the beloved Onion comedic newspaper, and ThisRecording, which is like the AV club, only reads like Thought Catalog.

If You Just Want to Investigate the Scourge that is Adult Pornographic Content that Continues to Undermine Our Great Nations Moral Fabric…

Maybe you’re writing a paper on how women are treated in pornography for your women’s studies class, or maybe you’ve been hired by the Vatican to research moral depravity in our godless age, but occasionally, against your will, you have to look at naked people on the internet. Tired of wasting time and hand-lotion looking for video of Japanese girls vomiting on each other? Of course you are. That’s why there’s Betterfap.com  Betterfap is like a Pandora of porn. It gives suggestions about movies based on what videos you liked.

Then, it sends a summary of your fetishes to your grandmother.