The Canadian Plan to Invade the United States

“Like Maple syrup, Canadian evil spreads over the face of North America.”

Geopolitics changes over time, for example, there was once something called “The British Empire”. No one knows what happened to it, but we wish it well.  Before it collapsed however (rumor has it that it was based on a tea-cup superstructure) it did a bully job of bullying smaller nations. One of these Venezuela. The year was 1841.

In those days, the permanent boundaries of the nations of the Americas were not so permanent, and jolly ol England spend the next few decades trying to redraw the map without Venezuelans consent. Lacking the means to do anything about it, the Venezuelans appealed to the United States to intervene, citing the Monroe Doctrine as cause. If the US fancies itself the administrator of the Americas, they said, then it can assume some responsibility.

The British, of course, didn’t care about the Monroe doctrine, and rejected it as any form of international law. Queen Victoria just hated Imperialism I guess.

By 1895, President Grover Cleveland (pictured below in a TV interview) forced an arbitration. This led to a rise in Anglo-American hostility, and with no James Bond or Harry Potter films to enchant American audiences, rumors of war began to spread.

President Grover Cleveland faces tough questions about illegal campaign contributions from the letters K and Z.

The next twenty years saw little open hostility, but the military establishments of both powers had a duty to be prepared for any contingency. Therefore, both the United States and Canada prepared mutual plans for the invasion of the other. The WP did an article about the American plan, code-named RED, but Tao Yue has an article about the Canadian plan to invade the United States.

This plan, named Canadian Defense scheme 1, was a battle plan calling for a preventative strike designed to protect Canada should the US run out lumber and suddenly become aggressive. In such a situation, Canadian forces would rapidly descend and strike at key military installations across the boarder, then, after apologizing, they would retreat back and wait for assistance from the UK, Japan, and Mexico, the latter two being British allies at the time.

The US, of course, has taken steps to thwart this erstwhile conquest. Examples include the complete evacuation of  North Dakota (it remains empty to this day, and some say, haunted), the movement of the strategic syrup reserves south from Vermont, and we filled the city of Portland full of homeless people who poop in the street.  Canadians hate that.

For all that, we are still not safe. Canadian cartoonist Kate Beaton has discovered the recent US strategy to pacify Canadian aggression.

For more on this developing story, we bring you this news broadcast.