My Parents are Getting a Divorce! Is it my fault?

Dear Genghis,
My parents fight a lot and I heard them talking about signing “divorce papers.” Is it my fault? If so, how can I make them be happy again?

Dear Frightened,
First, you must not despair, and instead take heart in the knowledge that your parents love you very much, that love is unconditional, and their near certain divorce is definitely your fault.

How do I know? Let me tell you.

I too, if it can be believed, have fallen prey to the creeping monster that is untimely divorce. We are all human, and who among us has not received a “Dear Oegdei” letter, been forced to set a table for one, or had to endure the pain of beheading the ones we love?

In my own life I had to divorce Lornta, my beloved and only 332nd wife. We, like your parents, would argue all the time, mostly about how cowardly our son was and the great shame he brought to our household. He was so fearful, he even feared his parent’s divorce, and sought advice from “Ask Attila,” a popular forum on the silk-superhighway.

I will tell you what Attila told him: suck it up.

You need to impress upon your parents that their otherwise perfect-until you were born-life, may come again, and that your craven attitude was but a ruse to lull them into a false sense of security. Then, in their presence, you should ritualistically disfigure your face in ghastly tribute to their continued love.

I promise they will be surprised, and I dare say, touched.