Help, My mother doesn’t understand me!

My Mother Doesn’t Understand Me!

Dear Genghis,
My mother and I are having communication problems. No matter what I do, she never seems satisfied with my life choices, my boyfriend, or the way I dress. Last week she criticized how much makeup I was wearing in front of our waiter at my favorite restaurant! What can I do to get her off my back and help her understand me?
Confused in Tampa

Dear Confused,
Firstly, dispatch an envoy to compel your mother to meet you on neutral ground of her choosing, this will probably be the kitchen. Approach from the southwest with the sun behind your back.

If you are offered pie, it is not a sign of weakness to accept.

Be sure to put her nerves at ease with a warm glass of yaks milk. Explain to her that the changes you’ve made in your life are part of your natural process of self-actualization and that no one but you really knows what can and will make you happy. Motion to embrace her, and when your mother dismisses her guards, extend your limbs. When she locks her arms around you, she will probably say something like “I love you, no matter what happens”.

At this point, you should be in tenable position to put a steak knife between her ribs.