Less Painful Than Reading the Book: a Dominatrix Defends BDSM in the Age of 50 Shades of Grey.

Is BDSM actually abusive? An interview with Dominatrix Ms Nina Payne

With 50 Shades of Grey bringing BDSM into the mainstream, many woman have dubbed the industry as abusive and aggressive. So what is BDSM? It includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism. However, done correctly and it can be liberating and even cathartic.

Ms. Nina Payne (Kimi Inch) is the founder and CEO of Domi Dollz in New York. She has lectured on kink at Princeton University and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Cosmo, New York Post and New York Press.

We chat to her about why 50 Shades of Grey should only be taken with a grain of salt, how her occupation has become almost therapeutic and the popularizing of BDSM.

First off how long have you been in the dominatrix industry?

I began this kinky adventure in Tokyo in 2002 and worked as a Domme all over the world for 15 years. Then I decided to form my company, Domi Dollz, in 2008 and began teaching classes and play shops to women, men, and couples.

Lately 50 shades of grey has been dubbed ‘aggressive’ and ‘abusive’ what are your thoughts on that?

I think there has been a negative stigma against BDSM for years, and the media likes to fixate on the few “bad apples” in kink. BDSM is all about being “Safe, Sane and Consensual” and is between adults only. While 50 Shades of Grey is not a credible representation of what BDSM is, it is more of a fantasy and should only be taken with a grain of salt.

Do you think having an outlet like this for men/women is a good or bad thing?

BDSM can be a very positive outlet for men and women who respect that this type of play must always be done with respect and great communication. Fantasies are a huge part of our imaginations and sexuality. If you can act out these fantasies in a safe environment, it can be very liberating and even cathartic.

Is the portrayal in mainstream what it actually is in real life?

Every relationship is different and you can’t really generalize what a BDSM relationship is like. In a movie like, “50 Shades of Grey,” the story is focused on a billionaire and a 20-something year old virgin! It doesn’t get father from reality than that! But many of these types of relationships are built on the most important qualities of any relationship – respect, honesty, and communication.

I will say that it isn’t easy finding a relationship, especially one that is kinky. Probably why I was so successful as a Dominatrix is that most people feel shame about their desires and fear of being rejected should they bring these desires to their partners.

Do you find most people outraged by your occupation?

Perhaps I live in a liberal bubble in NYC, but even when I travel for my work around the world, I am mostly met by curiosity and people are intrigued by what I do. As soon as someone learns I’m a Dominatrix, they usually want to tell me all their fantasies and sexual hangups. I feel like a therapist more than anything!

You also lead workshops in NYC. How do people respond to it?

I was shocked by how huge a demand there is for people looking to learn more about being kinky. I’m constantly teaching to sold-out classes and I love to see the transformation that can take place in only a couple hours. First people walk in, intimidated and nervous, by the end they are laughing, clapping, and jumping up to try different techniques. It’s amazing how positive it can be to be in a room where everyone is accepted and can learn in a fun way.

Any advice to people who would like to enter the profession?
Becoming a professional Domme is easier than ever. With the help of the internet, you can easily market your own Dominatrix persona to the public. However, getting the training that’s needed to be a successful Domme is harder. Many ladies work at dungeons so they can learn from the other Mistresses and get formal training, while others look to work as an apprentice to established Dommes similar to an internship. If you are interested in pursuing this as a career, my advice is to learn as much as possible! Attend workshops and seminars, read books, watch video tutorials, and for more info you should check out my website.