My girlfriend keeps a picture of her ex-boyfriend over her couch!

Dear Genghis,
My girlfriend keeps a picture of her ex-boyfriend and her over her couch for sentimental reasons. I have tried telling her that this makes me uncomfortable, especially when we sit on the couch together. She says I’m just being insecure and that’s a big turnoff for her.
How do I explain to her how creepy the picture is to me without sounding like a wuss?
Insecure in Alabama

Dear Insecure,
Sometimes the biggest problems in our relationships arn’t big at all, yet the smallest gestures can be the most thoughtful. It is not long term goals and broad similarities that hold us together emotionally, but tiny everyday life things like the picture problem you described. Communication itself can become a chore if one partner is blocking communication lanes to maintain the status quo.
This is why I advise you to burn the house down.
If possible, confront this photograph first. If you cannot take solace in the fact it has stolen both their souls, stare at your girlfriends previous lover. Try to understand what she saw in that face, then, after consideration, eat the photo to gain some measure of his power. Then you may burn, standing motionless as you watch flames consume your girlfriends home. Then find whoever took the photo and gouge out their eyes. This reduces the chances of them taking another picture that could in some small future way make you uncomfortable. Then, if you have time before you girlfriend comes home from work, castrate the CEO of the Kodak corporation.
While you await her in the ruins, keep an eye out. She will no doubt run to you to show her gratitude for freeing her from the spirit-crushing burden of material possessions. Feel free to extend your arms to embrace her (if you still have the severed testes of the CEO of Kodak in your hand, now would be a good time to drop them). Explain to her that all you have done was for her.
For her.
Her eyes will fill with water at such joy she will feel, so try not to be disgusted by this show of feminine weakness. Instead, let those tears mingle with your urine as you wildly piss in her face with your manly stream, marking her yours and deterring any future male suitors.
This will show that you are capable of making long-term plans, and that you possess that most elusive of male qualities that no women can resist—the ability to commit.