Am I Pregnant?

Dear Genghis,
I just turned 14 and I got really drunk on my birthday. My boyfriend was there an we started making out and I accidentally saw his penis. Am I pregnant?

Worried in Boston

Dear Worried,
Oh no no, my silly girl. Of course you’re not. I can’t believe they don’t teach these sort of things in school yet. I imagine it’s due in large part to your American fondness for electing politicians to the Right of me to your ruling council. So I suppose it falls upon me to instruct you in the ways of the world young one.
Here we go: In order for a woman to become pregnant, a certain time of the month must come to pass where the stars of the Great Bear constellation encircle the moon, thus frightening the goddess of the moon into shooting her arrow of potency and piercing the breast of the bull constellation. This celestial blood falls to earth like manna and is what brings fertility to us all.
Simple enough, yet there are a few more horse-flies in the yaks milk.
Assuming your family has good relations with the local witch or shaman, they can be called upon to give you a crucial medicine bag to hang over your bed. Then after you disfigure your face in tribute to dead relatives, and no women on on your mothers side of the family have dishonored themselves in the last three generations, then and only then can say you are with child. So no, you are not pregnant.
But you are a slut.