Rick Santorum Enters 1952 Presidential Race

Watch out Governor Warren and Generals Eisenhower and MacArthur!  Former senator Rick Santorum, 57, has thrown his hat into the 1952 presidential race.  Joining the chorus of right -wing republican voices calling president Eisenhower a communist sympathizer, Santorum boasts a return to the “Christian values on which the nation was founded.”

Speaking from a podium at Penn United Technologies (a company that claims it was founded to glorify God)  the senator promised to stop the teaching of evolution in public schools, eliminate women’s access to abortionists,  and oppose civil rights legislation.

The candidate also found time to rail against the pornography and rock music that is destroying America.

While this platform puts Santorum far to the right of say, Senator Nixon, former Dixiecrat Strom Thurmond has already voiced his support.  “No bakery should have to make a cake for an interracial wedding,” said Thurmond.  “Santorum has always favored a religious exception, so I will always favor him.”

Santorum’s complicated relationship with the blacks dates back at least to his comments comparing public health care to apartheid in South Africa.

It is unclear if he meant this as a positive or negative aspect.

When Barry Goldwater of the John Birch society was told Senator Santorum’s comments that “conservatives think government should be in people’s bedrooms” he began frothing at the mouth: “What is this savagery? This isn’t the 30’s anymore!”

Despite having views some consider extreme for our times, the senator has his own civil-rights  struggle: he’s Catholic.  Will his flagrant popery hold him back in a nation founded on the protestant work ethic? Will he normalize relations with North Korea?

Only time will tell.

At press time, Rick Santorum was running at 1% in national polls.

It is unconfirmed, but assumed these polls carry a 1% margin of error.